Walking Away From Violence
Photo Credit: @ciarangildea & styling by @the.pichis
2001 / 3:00 pm on a very sunny day:
I remember myself running away from your front door as I knew something bad was going to happen. I could see it in your face, in your eyes, you were furious. “I did something bad,” you told me. I didn’t want to do another of your “favors”, as you called it. Then you got angry and decided to chase me throughout the corridors of the building, you grabbed me by my hair. I remember I told you “please, let's go inside. Don’t do it here”. I was so afraid that my family would see me like that. With him, doing what he liked, what made him feel in control, what made him feel like superman. Hit me. We went inside and he started asking me again to write that letter for her. I say no, 100 times. Because I was tired of doing it, all the time the same thing, all the time, the same letter for the girl that he loved at the time.
Same day 4pm:
After 1 hour of struggle, forced games, slaps, and touching. You got tired and you decided to end that “conversation” as you called it. I remember myself enjoying those games. Then you decide to take your deodorant spray and lighter to scare me into making fire. I remember how you started chasing me through the flat, I was running around, so afraid, the doors were locked so I could not get out. I remember how close you got to me with that fire, so close that you got to burn my hair. At the time I had a big afro, as big as my heart that was still allowing that situation to happen all over, again and again. I guess deep in my heart I was waiting for you to rectify, to say sorry and tell me that you loved me.
At the time we were just “friends” as I called it. You kept going closer, I remember it so vividly. Finally, you gotta burn my hair. I couldn’t stop you, you were stronger than me. Do you remember? I do, every single detail of it, and for the very first time, I am not crying. Then my guardian angel arrived to save me from that beast. He pushed him away from me, they started fighting really hard and the angel said “Maholin, run!” He said it three times. I was in shock from what was happening, for what just happened. I finally ran and I left that flat, which was normally the coolest place for parties or the nicer place for family meetings, but also the perfect and abandoned place to practice that violence.
Photo Credit: @ciarangildea & styling by @the.pichis
That day I ran so fast, crying out my heart and soul broken without knowing what was awaiting me at home.
I don’t know why, but at that moment of my life for me, keeping track of the time day by day, while I was a victim of violence was very important. I used to know an estimated time of how long I was being violated, then I knew that when that time was over, I was going to be free. To go to school, to play with my sisters, to wash the dishes, etc. Two hours after that episode, I went home, my heart was racing up so fast and I was so anxious. I felt I lost track of time. I didn’t remember what I was doing the day before that happened. I guess I got sent to do something by my parents but I just don’t remember exactly. Finally, I got home, that place where you are supposed to feel safe and nourished.
But there he was. The second aggressor (TSA). That other man that was angry at me as well. Crazy right?. For me it was routine. This time, this other man was so angry because I was meant to do something that I didn’t do. I physically looked like a mess and that annoyed him so much. As much as he asked me where I was, I couldn’t tell him. I was feeling so embarrassed, I couldn't even explain the reason why I was being violated just 2 hours earlier. I was confused and scared. I thought I needed to create an excuse or story that explained why that was happening to me.
I thought no one would believe me.
The second aggressor(TSA) kept screaming at me asking me for answers, I didn’t know what to tell him and I decided “let’s just better say the truth, otherwise, this will never end.” I was tired. I just wanted to go to sleep. So I told him, “I was at my friend's house just a couple of floors above us”. That’s all I said.
TSA got super angry again and grabbed that brown belt of his and started to hit me so hard. A woman showed up, she was waiting for him to hit me enough to then decide to stop him. After a while, she said, “it is enough, let her go”. But he kept going. He kept rebuking me for what I did. The woman said again to stop, “let her go”. But there was no one able to stop him. For instance, I got power and I laughed, I laughed so hard and I said “hit me harder, hit me harder. Are you enjoying it?” I shouted it. Suddenly, I guess he saw himself from the outside. His face was in shock, he could not believe what he had done. He was blind with anger. Then he came to consciousness and he left.
Finally, that day of March 2001 finished and I was able to go back asleep, that place from where I didn’t want to come back anymore, where I thought I felt safe, my dreams. That day deep inside of me I found the courage to do something about this. I stopped seeing one of my aggressors and the other one some time later was gone as well. I went to the police. It took me a lot of years of being with myself to understand what happened, a lot of years of self-healing. I had time to think about my own sanity, about my own thoughts, about my own skin, healing. I saved myself from myself. I realized the solution was in my hands all that time, it was my decision always, but I didn't see it. From that day on, I changed my life drastically. I made a promise to myself that I would never, ever again let that happen to me. I talked to myself more than to anyone else in this world. I finally understood that I am a survivor of domestic violence.
I walked away from violence and today I am here, many years after all that tragedy, stronger than ever, raw, with memories and marks in my mind and soul that would never disappear.
They are emotional scars that I am not sure I could ever delete from myself. But I also have no regrets about the things I did. It was never my fault, this was the most important fact for me. Now I have my life back, my individuality, my own ideas and I finally got to be happy. With the most important premise of all. I believe being a Black woman, we have in our veins the blood of all those men and women that have died being slaves because of individual purposes dictated by white men. Slavery is violence and it is also one of the most horrible tragedies of this world.
Now, it is in our hands to change our future, the scourge has been enough, now we have a choice. Is time for you to get out of there, walk away and talk openly about this issue. Leave who oppresses you and set yourself free, it's not easy, I know. But there is always a way. It doesn't matter what you have done, no one deserves to be treated with violence. You, I and all women deserve to be free and loved. Don't take chances, excuses or flowers. You know what I am talking about. One hit could be the difference between dying or living. I am lucky to be here telling this story today and I hope it has inspired you to move forward from that situation in your life. Women will always be a symbol of love and life. Don't forget about it!
Maholin Navarro
My name is Maholin Navarro and I am so passionate about writing and creating content that talks about social and emotional topics related to Black women.
Photo Credit: @ciarangildea & styling by @the.pichis