Healing from Family Traumas and Generational Curses

For a very long time, I would tippy-toe around subjects dealing with my family. In elementary school, I rarely had friends over to my home, and never any sleepovers. In high school a few would stop by, but not for long. It wasn’t until my senior year that my friend Mayra actually used to sleep over most weekends, and that was because the commonalities we shared in our family backgrounds made me feel comfortable, as did my mother, with having her around.

I was always sort of hiding how everyone in my family didn’t get along. How every gathering turned into an argument until we stopped gathering altogether. How jealousy and resentment ran rampant amongst the different age groups. It wasn’t until I was thirteen and in high school that I realized more families had similar issues to mine than I thought. On the train rides to and from school, at lunchtime, when we played hooky, when someone was sad; these moments brought out a lot of truth.

A lot of pain was being carried in these young minds and bodies but no one was paying attention, acknowledging them, and allowing healing to take place. I’ve been out of high school now for many years, but I am still dealing with and working on healing from family traumas and generational curses. I know how to articulate my words now, how to look for tools, how to be kind to myself and others. I know how to walk with my head held high because I have nothing to be ashamed of. This was what I was born into not who I am.

“We all have two parents, whether they are around or not, their crap becomes our crap until we stop and say NO. ”

The day before my eighteenth birthday, I left home and I went to live with my father. I made a choice not to become them, not to repeat their patterns. But still, throughout the years, their ways have surfaced and not served me well. We all have two parents, whether they are around or not, their crap becomes our crap until we stop and say NO. My daughter has had no choice but to be part of this ride with me. We’re a perfect example of having to deal with a parent’s crap that she didn’t ask for in the first place. Luckily, because I choose to communicate with her differently the painful moments have become less painful because we have each other, we love one another, we are not competing, and we have respect for what each of us brings to the table.

“No one can hurt you with your own truth.”

My daughter and I have always talked about everything and anything. My approach has always been age-appropriate language, respectful exchanges, and at the end of the day, I am your mother, not your friend. When her father and I split up she was about eleven or twelve. That’s around the time the conversations became even deeper and more revealing of family issues. As the years have passed, we have both changed so much, and grown in our own truths yet remained loving and kind. No one can hurt you with your own truth.

My daughter is almost twenty-four now, and far more resilient than I had ever dreamt of. She was there when I had my stroke and is ready to tackle anything that comes our way. This past year has been a real test of healing for both of us. Soon it will be two years since her great-grandmother’s transition and we haven’t spoken a word to our family. That’s a lot for someone to deal with and she has had to deal with large periods in her life where she has had no contact with either side of her family. I have gotten used to it. I don’t like it, but I have accepted the way it is. Together, over the years we decided to peel away the layers. We don’t sit in resentment, we talk about where we come from. We understand the lack of education and the lack of care our family has received for their mental health.

We have acknowledged the role that poverty going back to our family in the Dominican Republic played in the lives my grandmother and mother had when they immigrated to the United States. We have broken down the family tree as best we could to peel away who, what, when, and where the lack of love and support stems from. We accept that we can not change what has happened and how it has touched us, but we certainly can make it different for us moving forward. Family traumas can be anything from being triggered with loud voices because you grew up watching your parents or family members fighting to hoarding food or things because you experienced lack growing up.

“You need to find the strength to open up some of these wounds in order to grow.”

We have had hours and hours of conversations breaking down different events over the years. This is how we heal, this is how we let go of baggage that isn’t ours to carry. We talk and talk and talk some more. The shame is gone. The truths are being told by those who know them best - us. We also deal with the generational curses of being born into this family. Lack of ambition, lack of finances, lack of support, lack of family values. Our list is endless but so is the list for most people of color. Coming from ancestors deemed less than is a huge burden. Knowing you are more than how you are being treated or what you are being called yet being subjected to horrible conditions doesn’t go away. Time should be able to heal you but it doesn’t, it hasn’t because we still deal with it today.  It is only through conversations, seeking help, finding useful tools, and letting go that it starts. Healing from family traumas and generational curses takes time, takes courage, takes a willingness to let go of the past. You need to find the strength to open up some of these wounds in order to grow.

Some of the tools my daughter and I have used over the years have been; writing, burning letters, journaling, yoga, meditation, self-help books, workshops and sister circle events. I personally added these two amazing women to my tool kit; Seida Hood is a Licensed Family Therapist, dealing with issues that are breaking our families apart but with conversations and a willingness to work can have different outcomes and a fellow Brooklynite Nikita Banks who is a Licensed Psychotherapist focused on healing our mental health.  Sometimes we need to talk with someone outside of our circle. Again, let go of the shame, speak our truths and going to a therapist could help. 

It can all start with you. 

I free myself every day a little bit more because I know I am not my family's past. I am not what they chose to be. I am what I choose to be right NOW. Create your happiness. Live your life. 

This post was originally published on Livinginmommywood.com.

Mari Corona

Hi my name is Mari & I create content that Empowers, Motivates, & Inspires through writing & photography. I believe that in exploring creativity we can all begin to Heal. We can choose to change what happened to us. Every day is a New day.