‘What’s wrong with me?’ is a conundrum that Black women face more often than we care to admit. With 8 out of 10 Black women have experienced some type of trauma, significantly higher rates of chronic psychological stress, psychological abuse, and psychosocial stress than any other group, we find ourselves at the feet of this question. As a self-love coach, I encourage asking questions as a part of the reflection step for processing your emotions. At the SenterME House, we call it, keeping it R.E.A.L. The first step is always to reflect.

But reflecting can be a difficult process when we ask questions that can possibly retrigger us and keep us from getting to know our truth. These are prevention questions and ‘What’s wrong with me?’ is high on that list. Prevention questions distract us by keeping us in a constant mental and emotional loop of the past or the imaginary future. They stray us further and further away from our truth, preventing us from growing in self-awareness. When reflecting, it is important that we focus on identifying what we are feeling and getting to the root cause of it. Here is where purpose questions come in to keep us on the yellow brick road as we allow our emotions to journey through us. Being in a safe space is key. Instead of asking ourselves ‘What’s wrong with me?’ a purpose question reveals more of our truth such as ‘Why am I experiencing insecurity in this moment?’

Exploring ourselves in this way is a form of self-love. We are learning more about ourselves by simply noticing our emotions, why and when they are triggered, and the thoughts and behaviors associated with them. By reflecting, we empower ourselves to embrace our emotions without judgment and improve our self-awareness. Reflecting brings clarity and builds trust with the self. I can’t emphasize enough how much more powerful you become when you trust yourself.

When should you reflect?

When I first began my journey of self-love, reflection was always an afterthought. My emotions were in control so reacting to the trigger or stimulation was my default. But I challenged myself to reflect afterward and would ask myself purposeful questions like ‘Why did I react in that way?’ or ‘How can I show up better for myself the next time I experience that?’ Eventually, the process of reflecting would begin upon being triggered or when I was in a safe space to do so after an intense emotion was triggered/stimulated. I recommend reflecting before responding to the trigger or stimuli. I learned to observe myself as I allowed my emotions to flow through me. This gives me time to respond in a way that's healthy for me.

“Reactions are survival-oriented and on some level a defense mechanism. As a single mom who never made time for myself, reacting was a frequent occurrence. ”

— Charlotte Louis

You’re probably wondering, ‘What is the difference between reacting and responding?’ Reactions are survival-oriented and on some level a defense mechanism. As a single mom who never made time for myself, reacting was a frequent occurrence. I would take it so personally when my children were… being children and not following instructions the first five times. This would trigger frustration, anger, and sometimes even sadness and yelling was my reaction to those emotions being triggered. A response on the other hand usually comes more slowly. It's based on information from both the conscious mind and unconscious mind. When our emotions are in control, especially in cases of fear, we are less likely to engage the higher cerebral cortex which is where we process information from the conscious and unconscious mind. So giving ourselves time to reflect allows us to reengage our higher cerebral cortex or as my grandma likes to call it ‘your right mind’, calm ourselves, and find clarity. And with clarity, we are much more gentle with ourselves, our truth, and those around us. Grace is the most important component of reflecting. When we give ourselves grace we soften and open up to ourselves with more ease.

Remember you are exploring yourself and it is essential that you meet yourself with love. What you feel is absolutely real and reflecting gives you the opportunity to connect with what’s real to gain a deeper understanding of who and why you are.

Emotional intelligence is a superpower, and when we access optimal emotional wellness we tap into the power that comes with being in sync with our bodies. This is a level of self-love that is both freeing and illuminating. Every week inside the SenterME House we hold space for keep it R.E.A.L. coaching and self-love routine accountability during our How Are You Feelin’ Sis? sessions. We also journal together with our SenterME Vibez Spotify playlist in the background giving sisterhood and wellness energy. It is truly a safe space to keep it R.E.A.L. and return home to your highest self. Wellness is your birthright and self-love is freedom.

Self-Reflection as a Guide to Emotional Wellness

When should you reflect?

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